Thursday, April 1, 2010
Not a philosopher.
Let me start off by saying that no matter how much I search for the right words and sentiments I wish to express, there is no way that this post is going to come off with the same seriousness as the feelings that hit me last night. Also, if you're already in a sad mood or simply don't want to read about my crazy emotions, just stop here.
I watched a documentary last night that not only made me think, but made me have a 90 minute existential 'crisis.'
You know those scary little moments when you gasp and get that terrible feeling? In the span of a second, a million questions run through your head:
Why am I here?
What is the point of my life?
What is the point of the universe?
Well, usually it passes after about thirty seconds and I go on my merry way to whatever more pressing matter awaits me (having a cup of yogurt, facebooking, shredding paper, doing some laundry, schoolwork -- you know, the real important stuff). Last night, it took the end of the documentary, a hot shower, and journaling to get me back to normal. With the distraction of my internship and work all day, I've been fine but then the feeling hit me again a couple of hours ago.
I was talking with Tyler on the phone and got on this topic. I'm scared. I'm really scared of the future and am having a great deal of trouble understanding the reason I'm here. And part of me thinks that I'm just thinking about this because I'm so worried about my post-college life (Should I go to grad school right away and be long distance with Tyler? Should I try to move to France? Should I just settle down and get a teaching job? Should I get a teaching job and try to get into a creative writing Master's program? Should Tyler and I drop out of life, move to Washington, plant a garden, and do whatever we want until we run out of resources? Should I stop writing these things because they are too personal?).
This is the first time that the 'right answer' isn't built in for me. After high school, the obvious next step was college, but now I really don't know what I want to do with my life. It's a pretty lousy time to have this feeling. For one thing, my birthday is one week from tomorrow and I can hardly have a good birthday month if I start out all emo wondering about my purpose in life. Then again, maybe it's a good thing that I'm stepping back and trying to reevaluate my priorities and options. Who knows.
Usually finding happiness, beauty, and purpose in the everyday comes so naturally to me.
I want it back.